MARK 10:2-16
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT ALWAYS PUZZLES
ME IS THE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE IDEAL OF MARRIAGE, WHICH THE CHURCH
PREACHES, AND THE REALITY OF MARRIAGE, WHICH WE SEE AROUND US. I
THINK WE ALL GET MARRIED WITH THE INTENTION OF HAVING THE BEST
MARRIAGE POSSIBLE, BUT SOMEHOW, IT NEVER SEEMS TO WORK OUT THAT WAY.
I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY BLESSED IN MY MARRIAGE, BUT I KNOW IT COULD BE
BETTER, LARGELY BECAUSE I COULD DO BETTER. WE GET MARRIED AND THEN
THE WORLD HAPPENS TO US.
BUT WE CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE
WHO STUDY MARRIAGE. WHAT DRAWS US TOGETHER IS NOT WHAT KEEPS US
TOGETHER. BEING DRAWN TOGETHER IS NEVER LOGICAL. WE “FALL IN
LOVE” WHICH IMPLIES A LACK OF CONTROL, WHICH IS BASICALLY TRUE.
BUT THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF BEING DRAWN TOGETHER. IN SOCIETIES WHERE
MARRIAGES ARE ARRANGED THERE MAY NEVER BE “FALLING IN LOVE”.
ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS FOR FAILURE IN
AMERICAN MARRIAGES IS THAT MOST MARRIED COUPLES FALL OUT OF LOVE. A
FEW WEEKS OR MONTHS OR YEARS GO BY, AND THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND
SAY, “WHAT WAS I THINKING? WHO IS THIS STRANGER?” AND BECAUSE
THE LOSS OF THE FEELING OF “BEING IN LOVE” IS SUCH A
DISAPPOINTMENT, MANY COUPLES BREAK UP, AND MANY OF THOSE WHO REMAIN
TOGETHER DO SO BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY OBSTACLES TO BREAKING UP.
SOONER OR LATER, SOME SORT OF ACCOMMODATION SETS IN AND THEY AREN'T
TOO UNHAPPY AND THEY FIND THAT THEY CAN GET ALONG WITH LOWERED
EXPECTATIONS. BUT THAT'S KIND OF SAD.
JESUS LIVED IN A SOCIETY WHERE PEOPLE
DIDN'T FALL IN LOVE. A JEWISH GIRL HAD HER MARRIAGE ARRANGED.
JEWISH LAW SAID THAT SHE COULD REFUSE TO MARRY THE ONE PICKED OUT FOR
HER, BUT THERE WERE A LOT OF PRESSURES. THE PARENTS USUALLY TRIED TO
FIND THE BEST MATCH THEY COULD, AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT, THEY
WOULD GO OUT LOOKING AGAIN; BUT WHO WANTS TO BE SECOND BEST? JEWISH
GIRLS PROBABLY KNEW THAT POTENTIAL HUSBAND NUMBER 2 AND 3 WOULD NOT
MEASURE UP TO NUMBER 1. THE SECOND PROBLEM WAS THAT MARRIAGE WASN'T
ENTIRELY BETWEEN THE COUPLE. VERY OFTEN THE PARENTS WANTED TO CEMENT
RELATIONS BETWEEN TWO FAMILIES, OR RAISE THEIR STATUS. THEY WANTED
THE BEST FOR THEIR DAUGHTER, BUT IF OTHER GOOD THINGS HAPPENED, WHAT
WAS WRONG WITH THAT? AND THE THIRD PROBLEM WAS THAT A JEWISH HUSBAND
COULD DIVORCE HIS WIFE FOR PRACTICALLY ANY REASON, BUT THERE WAS
LITERALLY NO MECHANISM FOR A JEWISH WIFE TO DIVORCE HER HUSBAND.
SO THIS IS THE CONTEXT IN WHICH JESUS
QUOTES FROM GENESIS, AND IMPLIES THAT THE MARRIAGE BOND SHOULD LAST
UNTIL DEATH, REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCES. AND THE CHURCH HAS GOTTEN
A LOT OF FLACK FOR ITS INSISTANCE THAT THIS SHOULD BE THE CASE. OH,
WE HAVE ANNULMENTS, AND THAT'S A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME. IT'S
INTERESTING THAT WE HAVE TO HAVE A TRIBUNAL DECLARE THAT THERE NEVER
WAS A SACRAMENTAL MARRIAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT THE ORTHODOX
CHURCHES, WHICH ALSO FORBID DIVORCE, DON'T HAVE A MECHANISM FOR
ANNULMENTS. THEY PRESUME A MARRIAGE IS SACRAMENTAL UNTIL IT ENDS,
AND IF IT ENDS, THAT'S A SIGN THAT IT NEVER WAS SACRAMENTAL IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
JESUS KNEW THAT FALLING IN LOVE IS NOT
WHAT SUSTAINS A MARRIAGE. WE COULD SAY THAT COUPLES WHO ARE MARRIED,
HOWEVER THEY GOT TO THAT POINT, NOW HAVE TO SPEND THEIR LIVES GROWING
IN LOVE. YOU CAN'T DO THAT IF DIVORCE IS A POSSIBILITY; YOU CAN ONLY
DO THAT IF BOTH OF YOU REJECT THE POSSIBILITY OF DIVORCE AND YOU TAKE
TO HEART THAT YOUR PURPOSE IN MARRIAGE IS TO BECOME ONE FLESH.
BECOMING ONE FLESH IS NOT THE SAME AS OCCUPYING THE SAME BODY. IT
HAS TO DO WITH VALUING AND TREASURING THE SPOUSE AT LEAST AS MUCH AS
YOU VALUE AND TREASURE YOURSELF. IN HOLY COMMUNION JESUS OFFERS TO
BECOME ONE FLESH WITH US. MARITAL COMMUNION IS A REFLECTION OF THIS.
GROWING IN LOVE FOR A MARRIED COUPLE
IS WORK. AND IT IS VERY HARD TO DO IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR
OWN EGO, YOUR OWN PLEASURES, YOUR OWN STUFF; IT'S VERY HARD IF YOU
SEE YOUR SPOUSE AS SOMEONE WHO IS THERE PRIMARILY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
WHEN JOAN AND I SPEAK TO COUPLES WHO
ARE PLANNING TO MARRY IN THE PRE-CANA PROGRAM, WE LIKE TO GIVE THEM A
LITTLE REFRIGERATOR MAGNET. ON IT IS A DRAWING OF A YOUNG COUPLE
HOLDING HANDS AND THE STATEMENT ON THE CARD IS “GOD MADE ME TO SHOW
YOU HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU.” IF THIS WERE THE FIRST THOUGHT IN OUR
MINDS EVERY MORNING, IT WOULD GO A LONG WAY TO REDUCING THE DIVORCE
RATE AND MAKING MARRIAGES HAPPIER AND MORE JOYFUL.
MARRIAGES, OF COURSE, ARE MEANT TO
REFLECT THE LOVE CHRIST HAS FOR HIS CHURCH. ALL OF US ARE CHURCH AND
ALL OF US ARE CHRIST TO EACH OTHER – THAT'S KIND OF WHAT CHRISTIAN
MEANS. IF WE ARE AWARE OF A FEW VERY GOOD MARRIAGES, PERHAPS WE
SHOULD LOOK AT THEM AS EXAMPLES OF HOW WE SHOULD TREAT EACH OTHER.
WHEN I WAS FIRST MARRIED AND WOULD
HEAR THE READING WHERE JESUS TELLS HIS FOLLOWERS THAT IN HEAVEN THEY
WILL NEITHER MARRY NOR BE MARRIED, I USED TO FEEL SAD; I WANTED MY
MARRIAGE TO GO ON FOREVER, NOT TO END WITH DEATH. BUT THE POINT IS
THAT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HEAVEN IS ALL ABOUT. IN THIS LIFE WE CAN
MARRY ANOTHER PERSON AND SPEND OUR LIFETIMES TRYING TO SHOW THAT
PERSON HOW MUCH GOD LOVES HIM OR HER. THAT, BY THE WAY, WILL MAKE US
HAPPY AS WELL, BECAUSE IN CARRYING THAT OUT, WE FORGET OUR OWN EGOS,
WE LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT WE THINK IS OWED TO US; AND LOSING SIGHT OF THE
SELF IS NECESSARY FOR TRUE HAPPINESS.
BUT IN HEAVEN, THERE WON'T BE MARRIAGE
AS WE KNOW IT; WE WILL ALL BE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER, AND OUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER WILL BE MORE INTIMATE, MORE JOYFUL, MORE
FULFILLING THAN ANY MARRIAGE ON THIS EARTH, BECAUSE GOD WILL BE THE
ONE WHO BINDS US TOGETHER IN JESUS CHRIST.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED, LOOK AT YOUR
SPOUSE WITH NEW EYES AND ASK, “DO I REALLY BELIEVE THAT GOD MADE ME
TO SHOW MY SPOUSE HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIM OR HER?” AND IF YOU ARE
NOT MARRIED, DO YOU KNOW OF A MARRIAGE WHICH SHOWS HOW CHRIST LOVES
HIS CHURCH, AND HOW YOU MUST AS WELL?
